Confronting Shame
Confronting Shame
How to Understand Your Shame and Gain Inner Freedom
From the bestselling author of Highly Sensitive People in an Insensitive World
Shame might be far from the first thing that comes to mind when you think about what’s causing your problems. Shame is hidden, and rarely something we talk about, but it can underlie challenges that we deal with on a daily basis, including anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.
This book will help you understand what shame is, how it arises and, in turn, how to overcome it. With exercises in each chapter, it provides tools to reflect on, confront and free yourself from shame. The book also includes a questionnaire to assess how much shame impacts you.
Be kind to yourself and rediscover your empathy for yourself with Confronting Shame.
I read this wonderful book four times. This insightful book is very easy, comforting and understandable to read. Ilse’s knowledge about the topic, shame, is so clear. I want to read it again - I would say it’s changed my life.
I have been avoiding this theme for ages knowing that it is my deepest issue. I bought the book 2 weeks ago. It has stirred up so much inside of me that I had to pause for a few days. The book is wonderful, written with a gentle language. Thank you for opening up the theme of shame.
1: The Nature and Function of Shame
The anxiety in shame
You can be unaware of shame
Situations that trigger shame
The difference between shame and guilt
A shame reaction is an alarm
Shame is a social emotion
2: Chronic Shame Arises from Inharmonious Interactions
When the feeling of belonging vanishes
Self-esteem and sense of self
Feeling truly seen
A distorted mirror
Attentive mirroring leads to inner support
Lack of mirroring leads to an absence of self-support
3: Shame can be a reaction to a hole in your sense of self
The fear of vanishing into a void
Serious holes in our sense of self
Lack of solid ground
4: Shame holds you back
A difficult conversation
5: The false self as a defense against shame
Success strengthens the false self
The fantastic, invincible false self
Shame about longing for love
The false self can’t stand intimacy
Anger and contempt as a defense against intimacy
Get out of a fairy tale
Down and back home
PART TWO
Tools
A vicious circle must be broken
6: Get to know yourself better
Ask others for feedback
How you receive feedback
Film yourself
Experience yourself from the inside
Get in touch with an even deeper level of yourself
Go into psychotherapy or take a course in self-development
7: Get close to your shame
Working on your inner scenes of shame strengthens your sense of self
Shame is a relational emotion
Be cautious and choose your listener with care
Take small steps when anxiety looms
Shame after being verbally assaulted
Shame about a lack of strength and energy
8: Give thought to whom you spend your time with
Your childhood family
Find good models
Direct your attention to the healthy inner voices
9: Establish friendly contact with yourself
It’s not you there is something wrong with
Don’t obey fear
From shame to guilt
Rediscover empathy with yourself
Write to yourself in a loving manner
Through sorrow and on to self-compassion
Afterword: Let emptiness bloom
Are you hampered by shame? Test yourself
Take the test with a grain of salt
To those of you who score low
Advice to those who score high
Find the right helper
An enormous opportunity for growth
Bibliography
Acknowledgments
